Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Redneck Bra Poem

Last spring I visited my 90-year old Aunt Pat, who is as feisty as the day is long. It was a sad occasion: funeral. But when we got to her place after the service and the supper, she shocked the daylights out of me by saying, "Evie! Take off your damn bra! Get comfortable!" never before in my life had I been invited to take off my bra.

Aunt Pat and I then had a little discussion about the discomforts of brassieres. "Isn't it just the greatest feeling to take it OFF??", she said. Indeed.

We then went on to talk about the good old days when, surprise surprise, both of us had learned to take them off without taking our blouses off.

Ahem. You Might Be a Redneck's Girlfriend If:

You know how to do this: unhook your bra, slip the strap off one arm, and drag it out of your blouse sleeve on the opposite side.

Today after work I rushed upstairs, removed a particularly itchy and obnoxious bra, and wrote a poem dedicated to my Aunt Pat:

Take Off That Damn Brassiere!

To My Aunt Pat, who once surprised me by saying,
“Evie, take off your damn bra! Get comfortable!”

Now Life has many painful sides,
And hurts and sorrows sere;
But one thing every girl can do:
Take Off That Damn Brassiere!

When we get home from work, or church,
And feel our ribs crushed near,
We have not even slight regret
We toss that Damn Brassiere.

We love the way it shapes our front
Or keeps our front from hanging;
But we hate the way it aggravates,
And causes damns and danging.

It presses us when we should float
And squishes what should bounce
And so that Damn Brassiere goes off!
Regretted, not one ounce.

When we were little girls we loved
Its bows and lace and cheer.
But now we’re wiser, and we’d like
To torch that damn brassiere!

So ladies, take the lower road,
Be less than you appear!
And say to Hell with straps and hooks,
And to Hell with Thy Brassiere!

Let’s sag and droop with gravity,
And When Old Death grins near,
Let’s snap him in the face with our
God-Damnable Old Brassiere!


Anonymous said...

oh my god. I am so busted. :)

cdncowgirl said...


c2b said...

My two well endowed daughters will appreciate the poem. Wow what a wonderful Aunty Pat. Can I share her? However these days I have to wear steel capped safety boots if I want to take my bra off....gravity and old age have a lot to answer for.
And yes we can all remove ours down the arm of our tops. I once saw a woman I didn't know doing this in a pub. She held the offending article up like some amazing trophy, to many great cheers from the other people in the bar.....

Mrs Mom said...

This. Is. Priceless.

Absolutely hilarious!

Although I confess- I have never ever learned that trick of pulling it out my sleeve. (Could it be there is too blasted much bra to pull through the sleeve??) ;)

I raise a mug to your Aunt Pat, and to your skills with "prose" as well!

Thank you SO much for putting this up!!

Mrs Mom said...

i could not resist- I put up a link to you in the Daily Journal blog. Your timing with this is perfect as bras are a hot topic there usually ;)

THanks again for the laugh today!!

20 meter circle of life said...

I take mine off on the drive home and toss it on the kitchen counter!!
You made me shoot diet coke out my nose!!! Thats the best!!

Flying Lily said...

Ranchette: You redneck girlfriend you!

CNDCOWGIRL: Thanks - get up and get that bra back on now.

c2b: Scenes we can only imagine: That pub girl, and what each man present thought in the next minute.

Mrs Mom: I am honored. The Muse of Bra Divestment just visited me and I had no choice. She must not have much to do. You have to try the Redneck Girlfriend Bra Removal technique; it is apparently not just part of my family's genetic weirdness. Check out Ranchette and c2b up there, testifyin.

20Meter: And don't it feel GOOD!

Grey Horse Matters said...

What a great Aunt and I loved the poem. It's really easy to take the bra off one side and slide it through the sleeve, with a little practice anyone can do it and should. Don't know why we torture ourselves just to hold up a couple of boobs. Mine usually comes off right after dinner. Although I gotta say that pretty soon I'm gonna have to belt them in to keep them from getting any lower or I'll be playing soccer with them when I walk. Funny post!

Jocelyn said...

That was spot on awesome.
I loved it!

I can't wait to take my Sports Bra off after a long ride. After I lost almost 50 pounds there isnt much boobies left, but they still bounce. ouch...

BrownEyed Cowgirls said...

Girl that is awesome!! There is just something about taking the darn thing off that feels soooo good...I also employ the sly removal. Sometimes it just seems like too much effort to have to take the shirt off, remove the bra and then put a shirt back on-LOL.

Anonymous said...

lol.. can so appreciate this now that we live in big sky country :)

git 'r done..

Flying Lily said...

Greyhorse: I agree about the torture of the basic concept, and why? It's one of my bad memories from 6th grade, "time to buy you a bra" and the discomfort that followed in hot Florida summers.

Jocelyn: Sports bras resist the redneck girlfriend technique IME; so far I have not figured out how to divest myself of these without removing the shirt. And they are the most bugsome - tight and smooshy.

BrownEyed; I love the phrase 'sly removal'. You have such a way with words!!

Flying Lily said...

Manker: Big Sky Country = Big room for natural boobies. My dream continues.

Sage said...

Love it, so true and so good

Flying Lily said...

Thank you Sage!

Fantastyk Voyager said...

LOL! I love the bra prose! I confess, I am a redneck. I pull my bra off just that way. Of course, the reason I wear a bra is to have some bustline. No, they don't sag-there's just not much showing!

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