Monday, December 29, 2008

Bless me, Dressage Goddess...




...for I have sinned. It has been 3 weeks since my last lesson. I have sinned by omission and commission.

OMISSION: I have not been riding my dressage horse Montana, and lo, I have not practiceth my arena work, half-halts, leg yields, transitions, and verily I have done a big Lebowski on all my responsibilities in this area. It has been too freakin cold for much of anything, but yes, every sinner thinks they have a good excuse.

COMMISSION: I have eateneth of the cheesecake, the pumpkin pie, the cheesy potato dish, the 7-layer jello (yes she did it again), the Black Forest cake, the fudge, the mixed nuts, yea verily even of the bento boxes have I made myself a gluttonous feast.
And sundry other sources of evil fat and calories have I touched with my hands and lusted after in my heart. The rendering of which is that I am a sad blob before thine eyes oh Dressage Goddess.

And so my penance was to wallow around in the arena on the back of an impatient and distracted horse, whose eyes were themselves tempted by amazing almost biblical visions outside the arena doors: the Four Horses of the Apocalypse galloping by repeatedly, the Lost Snow-Plow as big as an elementary school forging and backing on the road outside, the dropping of great wads of snow off the arena roof in a screaming high wind.

I have resolved to improve my ways. So lunch today was miso soup and an orange. But I got so much exercise peeling the orange that I feel a bit faint, and a slice of that cake on the kitchen counter would revive me so nicely...

15 comments:

Pony Girl said...

Clever post! ;) I'm sure the dressage goddess will forgive you! I think we all have to take a little break when this weather gets nasty. I guess that's just my way of feeling better since I haven't been able to see my horse in two weeks! Stay warm and cozy!

Jocelyn said...

Hilarious!
I too am a mere minion in the eyes of the Dressage Goddeess. She will no doubtadly revel in my lack of balance due to the extra weight in my behind, my rumbling stomach that hasnt seen a cheesecake slice or ham sammich in mere hours.

I hear ya, I am waiting for my breeches to scream " uncle"

Grey Horse Matters said...

Very funny. The statistics say everyone gains an average of 7 pounds over the holidays. I've been doing what I can not to throw their calculations off.

Don't feel guilty about not riding. It's too cold to ride and the hot chocolate, whip cream and candy cane tastes delicious and brings back memories of childhood and sledding. Does that sound like a decent enough excuse? If not I've got plenty more on the tip of my tongue.

cdncowgirl said...

OH MY GOSH! That was clever and funny.
I guess I need to humble myself before the Goddess of Fat Horses. There's a jackpot in 2 weeks and I haven't ridden my barrel horse in ages.... TOO DANG COLD! (and no indoor *pout*) lol

Flying Lily said...

PonyGirl" Your Boy will be ecstatic to see you when you come. Just bring treats. Hope the Goddess is as forgiving as you say. :)

Jocelyn: Is your stomach signaling to mine? "Hark. there is still some leftover ham..."

GreyHorse: Now you have given me an idea, and yes, nostalgia is a great excuse. I have a nostalgic fruitcake calling my name at this very moment. It's Gethsamani Farms, made by monks, and my family has been blissing out on this blessed fruitcake for decades. I'm sure it carries absolution!

Flying Lily said...

CdnCowgirl: If there is a Goddess of Fat Horses, I need to find her shrine. John is expanding his waistline with all that gut-warming hay. he likes to resemble a little 4-legged palomino balloon.

Nuzzling Muzzles said...

A very well written post loaded with humor... my favorite. It sounds like you had some awesome snackage over the holidays. I ended up having to throw out most of our home baked goods, as they either got burned, tasted only of Crisco, or molded immediately. So, my waistline is safe for the moment.

Flying Lily said...

NuzzlingMuzzles: To bake self-destructing sweets is indeed a fiendishly smart move. Mine are preserved for all time by our cold climate and the low temp I keep the thermostat at, so there's no such luck.

Train Wreck said...

You must say five ..oh wait wrong penance. LOL! verra verra clever indeed! I have never even thought of such a post. For this I must repent! Great now I am going to feel guilty, dang it. Hope you have a Angelic New Year!

photogchic said...

Been out of the saddle for two weeks! I ate everyone of those things back in MN, but I also had quite a few varieties of jello "salad." to boot. Then I went to Target yesterday and loaded up on and half price candy. Those resolutions are just around the corner aren't they?

Flying Lily said...

TrainWreck: Five laps around the arena in working trot, no stirrups. happy New Year to you and all the gang!

Photogchic: Maybe I saw you at Target. Maybe I was that nut who grabbed the bag of holiday Reeses out of your hand. I brought them home and hid them from my family, thus adding Avarice to Gluttony on my Big 7 list. Have a nice trip back to the untamed western regions. Glad you are well-fortified with Jello salads.

3pennyjane said...

Today I returned to Pilates for the first time in...well, I returned, let's put it that way. The goddess smiles on a strong core and blesses those who do their Hundreds with backs that do not go *plink* if the horse stumbles into the bit. But her path is a via dolorosa, and to walk it is to do many abs of contrition.

c2b said...

GHM Only 7 lbs? Pah just not trying hard enough....

ezra_pandora said...

Wonderfully written :)) I love it. Thankfully I just putz around on my horse so far, so she doesn't forget any of those fancy moves :)

Run around naked outside and I'm sure with how cold it is, any extra calories that clung will instantly be removed :))

Flying Lily said...

3PennyJane! 'Abs of contrition' will get you an extra penance.

c2b: I am working on raising that average of 7 pounds gained over the holidays...

EzraPandora: 'Run around naked' is one of my favorite Enrgrish t-shirt slogans. But I'm afraid I might cause traffic accidents if I tried it.